|
Do you see the details
in the second example? Nowhere did I use the word "angrily" or
even "angry." I didn't have to say he was mad. It's pretty clear.
In fact, I didn't even have to say he said the words. By showing with his
actions right after his dialogue, you know it's him talking.
Not "To Be": Avoid the forms of this
verb -- am, is, are, was, was being, will have been, could have been, et
al. These not only put you in the passive tense much of the time, but they
also tend to remove your reader from the action. Again, they aren't evil
words to be avoided at all costs (see I just used the verb myself) but if
you can work your writing to make it stronger without the word
"was" or any form of it, you'll show more than you told.
BEFORE: The room was perfect. She saw it and was immediately transported
back to her childhood because it had all the elements she remembered.
AFTER: She threw open the wide oak door and stepped into a past from
twenty years ago. The bedroom she remembered, down to the last detail. Pink
candy-striped walls with white trim. A thick white shag carpet, two plush
maroon velvet chairs flanking a silent fireplace. An enormous canopy bed,
draped with a sheer white veil. Linda pressed a hand to her mouth. What
were the chances? Another room, just like the one she'd had, years ago,
before she'd grown up and grown out of the one space that had brought her
happiness.
I don't have the word "was" in
there at all. Granted, I took a little poetic license with the rules of
grammar, but you can do that. You're the writer. You can "see"
the room now, though. You can feel it, too, I hope. You can see the details
that bring her back to the past, rather than just being told that it does.
This gives the reader something concrete to visualize and connect with.
Writing Exercise: Take this phrase: "It was
hot." Rewrite it without the word was. Better yet, don't even use the
word hot. Think of all the things you can use to describe heat. Make a
list, if you want. Write a few sentences that SHOW the weather is hot.
Starting with As or -Ing: Again, as with all of
the other examples, this is not a do
or die rule either. However, in general, you should avoid starting a
sentence with an "As" or "-ing" construction. "As
she walked" or "Rapping at the door" are okay beginnings,
but just okay. They're again, telling, not showing.
BEFORE: Rapping at the door, Elaine made her presence known to the people
inside the house.
AFTER: Elaine formed a tight fist with her right hand and pounded on the
unforgiving oak. They'd hear her, or she'd break her hand letting them know
she'd come to call.
Do you see the tighter imagery in the
second example? The stronger beginning? Removing that -ing construction
really helps. The same principle applies with "As" constructions.
Don't just Look and
Feel: Looked and felt are great words, but they certainly aren't powerful,
they certainly don't show much.
Telling the reader
someone looks a certain way or feels a certain way is cheating the reader
out of drawing her own conclusions. SHOW the reader and let her interpret.
Helpful Hint: Study movies. In movies, they can't TELL you anything. Everything
is visual, thus, shown. How do you know someone is upset, angry, happy,
sad, frustrated, etc.? Watch movies and write down facial expressions,
movements, actions, gestures, etc. Use these to describe your own
characters when you're writing. This is the best way to learn how to SHOW
emotion instead of telling it.
Writing Exercise: Here's an exercise for you to do with that -- take a word:
scary, weird, ugly, etc. And then tell what it looks like. What does scary
look like? Weird? Ugly? Don't say the baby was ugly (and you know, we've
all seen one ugly baby in our lifetimes), describe it. Don't say the man
acted weird -- tell us how he acted. SHOW
us him in action.
TIPS FOR SHOWING NOT TELLING
Use specific details. The best are ones
that are really specific. Is the car a Toyota or a Volkswagen? Is it
cherry-red or apple-red? Does the man sit in a La-Z-Boy or a Barcalounger?
Brand names help the reader identify with things better, too. Also, the
more concrete your details are, the more your reader can get a visual
picture. One way to do this is to take a simple sentence and increase it
with details by adding to it (example from http://www.uoflife.com/wc/creative/concrete.htm
- My lawn was covered with leaves.
- Leaves blew through my yard and piled up
against the shrubs and fence.
- A cold autumn breeze blew leaves through
my yard. I stared out the window and watched them pile up against the
sparse shrubs and worn out fence.
- A cold autumn breeze blew leaves through
my yard. Summer had ended and I would be the last one to leave the
cabin. I sat alone, holding a mug of hot chocolate without drinking,
and stared out the back window, watching the red, gold, and brown
leaves pile up violently against the sparse shrubs and worn out fence.
I had long since given up caring about
anything.
Use sensory images: Add in all five
senses. If you're describing a beach, don't just talk about the heat or the
color of the sand; add in the smell of Coppertone, the feel of the sand
beneath your toes, the sound of the seagulls, etc. The more you can create
a world for your reader by adding sensory details, the more she'll be drawn
into your writing.
Use good comparisons
for your metaphors - not clichés. Metaphors can be a great way to show
(Ex: No wonder the dog barked all the time. She had all the courage of a
ninety-pound knight about to undertake his first jousting match. From The Lady Had Nine Lives by
Shirley Jump, TBA 2004). But you want to be unique. You don't want to
compare your things to the same tired old things that everyone else has
used. When in doubt, use Shirley's Rule of Six.
Vary Your Sentence
Structure. Go back to the example with the bedroom and see how a varied
sentence structure can keep the reader on her toes, paying attention to the
writing. It's also a great tool to use when you want to show suspense or
fear (use shorter sentences) or draw out suspense (use longer sentences).
Or emphasize a point with a sentence set out by itself.
Example: Her face was still soft, tinged with sadness, her gaze on some
faraway spot. He wondered where her thoughts had gone and what could possibly
be so bad in Claire's life that she'd stand in the shower of a motor home
and cry. The Claire he knew was stoic, optimistic. Never had he seen her
upset or hurt, even when she'd fallen from the top of the monkey bars in
third grade and skinned up her knees.
As a child, she'd been
the Margaret to his Dennis. But as adults -- The very things that had
driven him crazy were beginning to spark his interest. No, not just spark.
Inflame.
(Excerpt from The Bachelor's Dare by
Shirley Jump, Silhouette Romance, December 2003)
Use specific actions to
make your point. Don't say things like
"he had a reputation for driving like a maniac" -- show him
driving like a maniac. Let us see him doing those things. Or, you can have
other characters talk about him, too. Dialogue can be a great showing tool.
Use dialogue as a showing
tool (duh! You knew that
one was coming). Dialogue is wonderful for bringing out information. Don't
do the recap kind of dialogue "oh, don't you remember, she's your real
mother because your sister had an affair with your father and then we all
passed you off like a sibling" kind of thing. That's information the
other character would already know. However, you can do something like:
"I hate
Julia."
"She did the best
she could," Kenny said. "What choice did you expect her to make
at fifteen?"
"A different one
than pretending I was her sister, for God's sake. All this time, I've grown
up thinking I'm somebody else's daughter." Anne slammed the
refrigerator door shut. Inside, the mayonnaise shuddered against the salad
dressing. "If she was old enough to have a kid, she was old enough to
admit the truth."
Kenny shoved his
sandwich away, as if the bologna no longer interested him. "This
family is really good at secrets. If there was a Guinness record for the
most lies ever told, we'd have it." He sighed, then met her gaze.
"Your father really is your father."
Don't pad it too much.
Don't overwhelm the reader with description either. You're not writing a
travelogue, you're writing a story. Add enough details to give them a
picture, then move on to the meat of your story. If you have several
paragraphs in a row of description, chances are you've gone overboard. Try
to work the description in with the dialogue and action instead so you can
maintain your pacing and reader interest.
Don't be afraid of
telling sometimes, too. A mix of both showing
and telling is a good idea. You don't have to show every single thing in
your book. Sometimes, a quick telling helps get through a slow part or
provides a quick recap. The goal is to make the MAJORITY of your writing vivid
and strong and keep the telling to a minimum.
|
